A Sad Christmas

On the 22nd of December, 2017, my grandma passed away. It was somewhat expected. She was diagnosed with lung cancer last summer, and her last few days was mostly her unable to speak due to her lungs. It was a peaceful death.

I don't know what to say. It was both a shock and expected coming for me. I guess I should tell you why I miss her so much.

She really cared for me when I was a young kid. I got sick very often, and since my mom couldn't take her days off, my grandma would be the one that takes a 10-minute bus trip to my house and cook some food for me. Whenever she went on a vacation somewhere out far, she would bought me presents. I still kept this one small teddy bear with a jacket that bears the word "FBI", but it stands for Famous Beer Investigator. She got it from Belgium.

I still remember vividly this moment when I was 8 years old (I think), when I came to her and said that I will bring her around the world as a promise. I'd be a successful person and both of us will go into First Class in every flights and travel to all the places we can think of. Now, I guess it is a bit too late for that.

I used to really want to visit my grandma a lot when I was still in Vietnam. But then I moved to the USA and I rarely called her. I think it was because of my homework and how I insisted on finishing it before I can actually call her, but it's always too late for that.

I regret focusing on homework.

A week before she passed, my mom called her again and see how everything is going. She couldn't even speak. I tried to talk to her, saying how pretty she was with the makeup on her face (she didn't have any makeup), but she didn't reply. She never gave me a signal that she appreciated it. It was a very stoic and expressionless face that I was seeing. I felt powerless. I felt like I could have done something better but I didn't.

One or two hours before she passed, I got a note from my tennis coach at a local country club, saying how my scholarship is extended to the rest of Spring 2018. Delighted and thrilled, I decided to call my mom (who was with my grandma at the time) to tell her about the note. I also added that I wished to talk to grandma. My mom replied with "I'm busy, okay son? Just call me later." I thought my grandma was still fine, and my mom was probably doing stuff in the house. I didn't expect a text 30 minutes layer saying that my grandma passed.

How am I feeling now? There's a little bit of somber inside me, but I'm trying to forget about everything. After all, my grandma didn't want me and my brother to weep over our loss. She will be very upset if we do. We're just trying to find fun things to do over the Winter Break, so I guess...I'm doing just fine like any other day.